As I think my hero here illustrates, Parkes and I were not the only people in attendance at the Jays’ Home Opener who noticed that a few fans still don’t quite understand when it is, or isn’t, rage-indcuingly inappropriate to try to start the wave at a baseball game. So, for the benefit of all, let’s go through a few ground rules that will help make your wave experience– and everybody else’s– a little more enjoyable.
Rule #1: Never Try To Start The Wave
We’ve all seen a wave, we’ve all had the thrill of standing up from our seats and putting our arms up in an orgy of perfectly timed banality. Been there, done that. It just isn’t cute anymore, OK? Yes, I know the wave looks kinda cool when a good one really gets going, but hey assface, a baseball stadium is not a gigantic, humanity-filled lava lamp for your own personal amusement.
OK, so maybe you’re trying to impress the girl you’re with. If this happens to be the case, try asking yourself, do I actually think that starting the wave is going to impress her? If yes, you might want to consider the possibility that she’s a moron, and that there are a whole lot better ways to go about impressing her, which won’t also happen to irritate the fuck out of the people sitting behind you. You should also consider the possibility that you are a moron. However, it is, in fact, most likely that you both are.
Rule #2: Seriously… Never Try To Start The Wave
How old are you, four? You actually want to start the wave? In a huge crowd of adults who are trying to watch a baseball game like big boys and girls? Seriously? Exactly what the hell will this accomplish? What void in your tiny existence will this fill? I’m serious, I want to know. Did your uncle touch you and this is the way your silent inner torture manifests itself? What gives, soldier? I really need you to explain this to me because COULD YOU SIT THE FUCK DOWN, I’M TRYING TO WATCH THE FUCKING BASEBALL GAME!!!!!
Rule #3: If You Absolutely Must Start The Wave, Do So At An Appropriate Time
Some might say that this is the most important rule when it comes to the wave. Others say it’s the only rule. Regardless of which side you agree with, this one is a little crucial.
Now, it’s very, very true that the wave is best kept under wraps until you find yourself at a mind-numbingly dull blowout on a forty-degree afternoon, yet there are still ways to work the wave into any old average game (if you absolutely seriously fucking must) without it causing too much of a disturbance to those around you.
Tip: Don’t try to start the wave in the seventh, eighth or ninth innings if the score is within three runs, or anytime that anything happening on the field is remotely interesting or could affect the final outcome, or in the middle of a feisty at-bat, or when the home team is at the plate and threatening to score, or if there are runners in scoring position, or basically ever.
Tip: Pitching changes and blowouts are basically the only times that it’s remotely close to being appropriate to stand up like a jackass, block other peoples’ view, and try to start the wave. Make these the only times you even consider trying to do this, and even then, please fucking don’t.
Rule #4: Be Persistent, But Not Too Goddamn Persistent
We all understand that it sometimes takes a while before people notice your pathetic cry for attention. Most of us have been conditioned to ignore wretches and pouting children and others of your ilk, so it might be necessary for you to do a couple of aborted countdowns before anyone (except for the people whose sight lines you’re blocking, jackass) notices that you’re there, feebly begging for the attention that your parents never gave you. Go ahead and try again, if it will help get this nonsense out of your system.
Of course, if you’ve tried three or four times and your section still isn’t taking to the wave, and people are shouting at you to sit down, and saying things like “Fuck the wave!”, it’s definitely time to give it up. Not everybody will tell you to go fuck yourself while you’re trying to start the wave, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t all thinking it. Especially if you’re failing to follow the rules I’ve outlined above. Sometimes the people in your section will ignore you, rather than telling you to fuck off, or shouting out what they really think about exactly what the hell it is you’re trying to prove by standing up, blocking all sorts of peoples’ views and vainly attempting to get them to participate in some pointless ritual that got tiresome when the rest of us turned eight. A good general rule here is, if they’re not joining in with the wave, they probably want to watch the fucking baseball game. Huh, ya asshole?
Rule #5: When The Wave Is Coming At You, Follow The Rules
Unfortunately, it will occasionally work out that there is a section full of enough mental defectives that a wave will get started. In this case, when you see it coming your direction, make a quick note of whether you had just been trying to think up clever reasons to turn around so that you can look at the girl’s tits in the row behind you, or if you’ve actually been deeply focused on the baseball game. If it’s the former, glance over at the scoreboard and check if there are any runners on base.
You’ll have to make a quick decision here, because it may be a horribly inappropriate time to do the wave, in which case the whole stadium is relying on you to help stop this thing dead in its tracks. However, it’s more likely that by this point you’re probably safe to join in without any serious burden to your conscience. The truly piggish shit happens at the beginning of a wave, when people stand up to prod their section into getting one started, as explained above. Sadly, there isn’t much you can do by this point to prevent assholes from having interrupted someone’s game experience. So go on and join in like all the other sheep. Boring as shit, isn’t it?