Dear Baseball, Please Stop Encouraging These Idiots


That, my friends, is the look of a baseball fan. Notice the focus he has on the field of play, meticulously taking in everything that happens as his favourite team tries to hang on for an important extra-inning victory on the road. Look at the courtesy he has for the people behind him, who, clearly, have shelled out big dollars to watch a man-child flail around desperately in a pathetic attempt to get on television with his ceaseless shtick that was once possibly funny for an inning or two. Am I wrong?

I suppose you have to admire their dedication to being total attention-whores, but really… Fuck these fake ump guys.

I may be a little ahead of the curve on this, but they seriously need to go away. Take the goodwill and pseudo-celebrity status you’ve attained, exchange it for blowjobs from the In the Action Seat girls, get out before the backlash, and please just fucking be done with it.

Unfortunately, the Daddy Didn’t Love Me Enough Tour 2009 seems to be picking up steam, so it doesn’t appear as though that’s going to happen any time soon. For fuck sakes, Fanhouse has bent down to suck their knobs—in an article where the guys claim they’ll be popping up all over the place as the season unfolds—feeding the beast that drives these unloved babies even further.

And, holy shit, delusions of grandeur much?

“I had a best friend in a bar in New York, and he’s watching the Yankees,” one of them, apparently named Farrell, says. “Even before he told them he knew us, there were 500 people in the bar who loved us. They were going ballistic. And he goes, ‘I can get ‘em to wave,’ and [someone in the bar] goes ‘What’s that guy’s name?’ Our friend says ‘Farrell,’ and he had 500 people in the bar going ‘Farrell! Farrell!’”

Call me too cynical to be any kind of fun, but I am goddamn sorry, a couple of fucking stock brokers jetting around North America, buying (or, now, having handed to them!) the most expensive seats at baseball games, without a cause or a purpose except getting their faces on TV, and then everybody lapping that shit up like it’s comedy gold and not just a mildly amusing gag to see once, being repeated over and over and over again? That’s nine different kinds of retarded.

And if the umps really were the baseball fans they claim to be, how could they possibly think there’s any kind of need for this distraction? They go to games at Rogers Centre– the fucking house of distraction, for cocksucking sakes! They can’t seriously think we need another!

I don’t want to get too sanctimonious about loving the game on its own terms—after all, I’m getting drunk half the time when I’m watching a ballgame—but these guys can fuck off if they really expect us to believe this has anything to with being fans and loving fun. It’s about them being the show. Even that’s not something I’m necessarily opposed to all the time, but with the press they’ve been getting, the free seats from the Yankees, being in the Presidents Race at Nationals Park, and getting clubhouse tours from the Jays, it’s on the verge of getting exponentially more embarrassing. It was cute once, guys. Let’s all please just get fucking over it.